Thursday, October 16, 2014

Ranking the Hundred Acre Wood Residents by Usefulness and Effectiveness in Negotiating a Hostage Situation

I love the characters who reside in the world of Winnie the Pooh.
But how would each of them fair in a hostage crisis?
Who do we turn to in order to communicate with hostage-takers?
Let's rank 'em.

9.) Piglet
Let's get this out of the way right now.
This timid little shit will get hostages killed.
A terrible hand in any crisis, he is a follower, a panicky, anxiety-ridden coward.
He will turn every attempt at a negotiation into a farce, but the deaths will be far from comedic.
Take that bulletproof vest away from him, because this asshole is gonna fuck your shit up.

8.) Eeyore
Eeyore is a chronic sufferer of major depressive disorder.
While an eloquent, rather poetic sort of mind, his emotional state is a cause of major concern, requiring constant supervision. Though he would likely remain calm in a crisis situation, he would also likely open up a scenario of empathy with the hostage-takers, exposing the hostages to a difficult situation wherein the hostage-takers will feel justified in an existential sense.
Because of a severely negative and hopeless attitude, it is recommended Eeyore remain out of radio contact during emergency situations.

7.) Roo
One mitigating factor is Roo's age and inexperience.
But the main problem is his enthusiastic ambition. He's a very do now, ask questions later kind of personality, coupled with his naivete, makes for a volatile combination.
Lacking tact and subtlety, Roo could end up antagonizing the situation, endangering hostages, as well as the security of the officers sent in to protect them.

6.) Owl
Much of Owl's superior intelligence is either convoluted and incoherently attained, while there is a strong suggestion that the remainder is faked behind an air of superiority.
Owl's condescension and patronization of minds he deems inferior will lead to the antagonism of a situation, while any remotely successful attempts at negotiation could stretch to an indefinite amount of time given Owl's propensity for grandstanding and monologuing.
5.) Rabbit
While much of Owl's intelligence is a misdirect, Rabbit possesses an above average depth of intelligence, while also offering an everyman quality, what with his relatability and blue collar work ethic, as opposed to Owl's scholarly pursuits. Rabbit is also "of the people," living amongst the other wood residents in a modest house and being a self-made man.
Rabbit is also organized, precise, punctual, tactful, and strategic.
His only weak side is his temper, which prevents an ability to improvise, as it only manifests itself when things do not go according to plan. Rabbit's ability to plan a successful first attempt however, mitigates any need for on-the-fly resourcefulness to be much of a deterring factor.

4.) Tigger
While possessing much of the same negatives as Roo, Tigger has more age and cunning. He has also proven quite resourceful and quick on his feet.
Possessing talents opposite of the more reserved Rabbit, Tigger operates well in the field as plans change. He is better able to anticipate character, mood, and behavior.
His boundless energy ensures negotiations will be swift, while his physical prowess is more reliable than almost all of the other candidates on the list.

3.) Winnie the PoohEmpathetic, loyal, and resourceful, for the most part Pooh is an ideal negotiator. He is able to relate, he possesses an innate ability to get people to open up, and he is tirelessly helpful.
One problem though is his incessant need to eat. Hunger tends to cloud his judgment and his ability to focus on other things. Well-fed and well-kept though, Pooh is able to strategize outside the box, and is more than capable of seeing things through to the end.
Maybe a bit unpredictable in the field, but if the hostage were, say, Christopher Robin...
2.) Kanga
Possessing a strong maternal quality grants Kanga many abilities. She is protective, sympathetic, and open-minded. Kanga possesses a similar disarming quality to Pooh, which prevents escalating any sort of crisis.
Also, she could sneak out some people in that pouch...

1.) Mole
...Speaking of secrets, this is the guy you want in a hostage situation.
Forget negotiation, Mole will just get everyone out. He's a mole. Boom.
Get everyone out.
Dig a tunnel.