Prompted by my friend, Marissa's Facebook Status mentioning wanting to watch a Harry Potter movie but being unable to, I decided to undertake the task of writing out the first Harry Potter movie.
I tried to narrate and be as colorful as possible. I had to look up clips a couple times throughout the time I was doing it because I wanted to make sure I got certain things right. I also started to do it without remembering just how long the movie was. It's pretty fucking long. I managed it in 16 comments throughout the day. Somewhere around the 9th, I realized I wasn't even at frikkin' Hogwarts yet.
Regardless, here it is, in its entirety, with the original spelling and grammar errors included.
fade up on a foggy road sign, indicating the first setting of our tale:
Privet Drive. The presence of an owl atop the sign suggests mysticism
and mystery. We pan over to a cat, who seems to know what's up. A
wizened elder gentlemen adorned in a bathrobe strolls down the street,
attracting no attention as of yet. The fog is the fog of London. Only
the folds of his robe, he pulls out what appears to be an overly large
cigarette lighter. But lo, it is anything but. The orbs of light
illuminating Privet Drive are drawn to his lighter. It is a de-lighter.
What delights shall happen this evening?
wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles, once the street is dark for dark
deeds, the man turns to the cat like an old friend. And it is an old
friend. Obscured by the walls of the condos, the cat transforms into an
elderly lady. The lady is Minerva McGonagall, played to perfection by
Maggie Smith. The man is Albus Dumbledore, portrayed by Richard Harris,
may he rest in peace. The two set about a brisk pace, discussing the
evening's events. Rumor travels fast in the wizarding world. "And the
boy?" the woman asks the man. "Hagrid is bringing him," he replies.
timing that can only be afforded to wizards and to the magic of
Hollywood, the roar of a flying motorbike interrupts their conversation.
A light appears in the sky, Close Encounters of the Third Kind-style.
It is indeed the raggy-haired half-giant Rubeus Hagrid (Robbie Coltrane
with a lot of movie wizardry) with a precious load: a baby swaddled in a
blanket, sleeping peacefully.
stop in front of a house, arguing quietly about the advantages and
disadvantages, pros and cons, of what they are about to do. Dumbledore
places the baby on the doorstep, along with a letter. His soon to be
famous scar of scars is visible on his forehead. As visible as it is
now, it will be less and less prominent as the series goes on, but I
"Good luck, Harry Potter," are the Merlin-like Dumbledore's final words to the baby. FOR NOW.
Lightning flashes, thunder crashes, and the title appears:
HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S STONE
is now TEN YEARS LATER, though a title card fails to tell us so. We are
only transported into the future via the famous scar.
scar-headed boy sleeps in a darkened room as we pan down over his face.
Obviously, he has aged. The boy, Harry Potter, a young pre-alcoholic
Daniel Radcliffe, awakes as if disturbed by the swooping crane shot over
his prone body.
we cut to the source of the knocking that has jolted him awake. It is
Fiona Shaw's uptight, airtight Aunt Petunia Dursley. She is mad already.
She hates Harry Potter. She. Hates. Harry. Potter.
We see that Harry lives in a closet under the stairs, that has to be unlocked before he can exit the tiny, tiny room.
tubby, ugly, dumpy Dudley Dursley, Petunia's boy, loudly bounds down
the stairs to wake up Harry, though there is an inkling in everyone's
minds that even if he wasn't trying to be a little shit, he'd still make
a huge amount of noise on those stairs.
makes his way to breakfast, because food is his only friend, on the way
pushing Harry back into his closet home. It is Dudley's birthday, so
they are going to the zoo, also this excuses him from being a thoroughly
intolerable presence for these moments of the movie. There is a brief
exchange about how there is one less present than last year, because
only thoroughly intolerant little assholes actually count the number of
presents they receive each year. Characterization at its finest.
family piles themselves into Uncle Vernon's rather bland station wagon,
but not before he gives Harry a talking-to about how he shouldn't do
anything funny or they'll lock him up in that closet, as if there's some
way they can do that even MORE than they already do.
cut to the exterior of a building labeled the Reptile House. Of course
the most active and most interesting animals to watch at the zoo are
always the reptiles.
shot of a rather large Boa Constrictor. We pan up to see the entire
family watching it with mixed shades of disgust, boredom, and
ever the scholar and gentleman, declares he is bored, and he and his
parents retreat to another enclosure. Harry lingers a moment and
confesses out loud to a snake that he knows how the snake must feel.
This is an utterly normal interaction in movie world, and while defying
some logic of sanity, is the only way to set up this next moment, which
begins to suggest shades of another world poking through...
THE SNAKE REPLIES. Well, not with words. But he moves and gestures in a
way that suggests comprehension. Harry proceeds to converse with the
snake in a way not unlike filmed phone conversations, where we can only
hear one side of the dialogue so that person has to declare everything
not one to miss a trick, sees the snake has awakened. He leers from
behind the glass, getting his greasy fat fingers all over it, and his
face is on the glass too.
with latent magical prowess, causes the glass to disappear with only a
glance. Dudley falls in to the Boa's layer. Instead of enjoying this
blessing of a meal, the snake chooses freedom over all things. He makes
his way out of the enclosure, out of the building, and into our hearts.
at home, Petunia rushes her baby boy to stand in front of the fire, I
must believe. Even though, I would hope that wasn't on the whole time
they were gone.
a man of conspiracy and paranoia, knows that it was Harry who
somehow...conjured...this situation. He knows Dudley is stupid, but not
"WHAT HAPPENED?" he spits in Harry's face, pulling his hair.
"I don't know! It was like magic!"
that's just the worst to old Vernon Dursley. We all know magic is real,
because we have childlike wonder in our hearts, and we're watching a
movie with 'Sorcerer' in the title. But Vernon is adamant.
"THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS MAGIC!" he bellows, as he returns Harry to his cupboard under the stairs. And the matter is settled.
next scene depicts an owl dropping off a mysterious letter to the
Dursley household. Fortunately, Harry is allowed to touch the mail, so
he is first to the pile. He sees it is addressed to him, even though he
literally knows no one in the outside world.
dressed like a member of a barbershop quartet (probably the portly
baritone) grabs the letter because he does not believe Harry could
possibly be receiving mail, and I have to say that Dudley is somewhat
justified in this belief, because who.
Vernon of course at first is incredulous, but when he sees the seal, a moment of panic brushes his face.
a persistent montage of progressively more and more home invasive owls
attempting to get this letter to the future boy wonder. The wizarding
world spares little expense when recruiting children to their schools,
which is the only progressive element of their education system.
one point, Vernon, looking like a serial killer, is up late at night,
fire blazing, burning all the letters one by one. He stops only to
acknowledge the presence of the boy causing all the trouble.
bring it to a point, we see that the Dursleys have been driven insane
by the constancy of the birds, who now not only drop off the letters,
but continue to stay on Privet Drive, near the house, as if they are
choosing to take their sabbatical at this very moment.
flurry of letters flies through the fireplace, covering the living room
in letters, all addressed to Harry, who does his best to grab one and
ascertain the contents. Vernon wrestles it away from him. This is a man
and a child, wrestling.
owns an abandoned lighthouse, for some reason. He has forced his entire
family into isolation supposedly in the middle of the ocean.
more fucking around for the wizarding world. They decide to send
Hagrid, the world's greatest enforcer, for the task. He shows the door
who's boss, then he gives a cake to Harry for his birthday, revealing an
oft-overlooked fact: Hagrid is as illiterate as the animals of the
Hundred Acre Wood.
goes on and on as if everyone knows what he's talking about, mentioning
Hogwarts, revealing to Harry he's a wizard, and then finally giving him
the letter he'd been trying to get his hands on since the beginning of
that montage, which for all we know took place over a day.
protests, so Hagrid magically attacks his boy in masterful psychopathic
manner. Harry shuffles off with Hagrid, in a sort of the devil you know
is worse than the devil you don't sort of way.
now see Hagrid and Harry walking along a typical London market street,
perhaps in Picadilly, where Hagrid doesn't draw any attention to himself
talk about school supplies mostly, before happening upon The Leaky
Cauldron. Again, a room full of people who never in any way draw
attention to themselves.
Hagrid announces that he is with Harry Potter, the bar goes silent and
you can hear the veritable pin drop. Or a pencil fall off a desk and
roll on the floor, if we were in a classroom.
goes up to meet him, like he's Jesus, hoping to just shake his hand.
Among them is a squirrelly man named Quirrell (OOOH. SQUIRREL. QUIRRELL.
I GET IT.)
seems off, but pay him no mind, because his weird behavior is not
strange and certainly doesn't come back into play later on in this
would also like to note that in this chance encounter, Harry is
face-to-backward-face with his would-be killer and yet his scar does not
burn. Aren't there people paid to watch for these nit-picky things? A
nitpicking department? I digress.
opens the entrance behind a brick wall to Diagon Alley, the wizard
version of a market bizarre for all your wizarding needs: wands, spell
books, exotic animals, exposition.
get ready for Harry to make that "amazed by magic" face a lot
throughout the series, even though he should be getting more and more
used to it as he gets older and the more he's exposed to the world that
he is a part of, and he is actually capable of these little miracles,
and you would think at some point one his close friends or adult mentors
would've seen him making this face and whispered to him, "Hey man, play
Bustling, bristling, buzzing, and busking.
First stop: The bank. Gringotts. "T'aint no place safer," says Hagrid. Yes, he says taint.
bank teller, a goblin, is unimpressed by the presence of the child
savior. He only asks for a key, which Hagrid produces. Then, in a
heavy-handed line of foreshadowing, he inquires about the "you-know-what
in vault you-know-which," which is a way of speaking that arouses no
a travel scene taken straight out of the level Mine Cart Carnage from
Donkey Kong Country on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System, Hagrid,
Harry, and Griphook make their way into the bowels of the vaults.
arrive at Vault 687, Harry's vault. Harry's Gerber baby desposit has
softly accrued interest, a convenient plot development for several
moments later on, because even in the wizard world, there is still
they travel on to Vault 713, vault you-know-which. Again, Hagrid keeps
suspicions low by explaining to Harry that it's top secret what's in the
vault. But they figured it was fine for Hagrid to kill two birds with
one stone: pick up an all-important, top secret artificact the same day
he has to go and rescue an all-important wizard boy to go school supply
next stop is Ollivander's, for Harry to purchase a wand. Hagrid says
there's no place better, when really what he means is, there's only one
place to buy wands here, because of the non-existence of wizarding
is an elderly man, who is both sufficiently creepy and endearing.
Harry's initial attempts with wands are curious and non-satisfactory.
Ollivander soon has him try a "curious, very curious" wand. It takes to
Harry immediately. "Why is it curious?" Harry inquires. Because one
Phoenix gave only two feathers for a wand-core. One went into this wand,
the other went into the wand of... Voldemort. The evil wizard who tried
to kill you! It's a small world after all!
a long day of shopping, secrets, and revelations, Harry and Hagrid have
retired to a dinner of probably just soup at the Cauldron.
finally asks about the white elephant in the room. Well, the pale,
white, noseless man in the room. He's not really in the room. But
Hagrid, using the magic of flashbacks, shows us what happened a decade before.
rose to power and he and his followers mercilessly killed those who
opposed him. The embodiment of pure evil. He killed everyone. EVERYONE.
Except one person.
The Boy Who Lived.
next morning, Harry and Hagrid are at King's Cross, ready to take the
train to the fabled Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Hagrid hands Harry his ticket, and leaves him with more luggage than he could possibly control by himself.
Without explaining how to get to Platform 9 and 3/4, Hagrid disappears quickly considering his half-giant size.
Harry asks a regular human about the fractioned platform, and the train master dismisses it as a prank.
Again, with Hollywood magic timing, a family of impoverished gingers appear.
can tell they are magical because they discuss it in the open. They run
at a wall between Platforms 9 and 10, and surprisingly enough, they
dematerialize through it.
some reason, Platform 9 and 3/4, despite being exactly between 9 and
10, is not named 9 and 1/2, because it is apparently 1/4 closer to 10.
Harry asks for help from the somewhat distressed but instinctually maternal Molly Weasley.
She sends her boys through, and then teaches Harry how to do it himself.
"Good luck," says young Ginny, not yet a woman.
The Hogwarts Express traverses the British countryside.
One of the impoverished gingers appears in front of Harry's compartment and asks to join him.
When he learns of who his travel companion is, Ron, the ginger, goes a little fan-girly, and asks to see Harry's famed scar.
The treat trolley arrives soon enough, and Harry spoils Ron by throwing coin willy nilly.
of the treats is Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans, which has managed
to find market stability, despite being made of mostly terrible
is Chocolate Frogs, which have trading cards of wizards, which would be
the equivalent of if we humans (muggles) had trading cards of just
Donald Trump and Bill Gates, Yo Yo Ma, and Morgan Freeman and the like.
While the boys prey upon their junk food feast, that's when she walks in.
Granger, soon to be the smartest wizard in all the land, appears and in
this moment decides to herself, "Yes, these two. This is the family
that I choose."
Hagrid greets the arriving train, beckoning all the first years to him.
"Hey Hagrid," says Harry Potter, everyday celebrity.
escorts the first years to the boats, which is a much more dramatic
reveal of the castle proper than the carriages used later are.
Ascending some stairs, they encounter Professor Minerva McGonagall, who does not look a day over 150.
"Welcome to Hogwarts!" she says to the first years, though it feels like she's saying it just to me.
will be sorted into your houses," she explains. "You will be sorted by
order of importance to the plot: if you figure into all the plots, you
will be in Gryffindor. If you are needed for one of the smarter plots,
you will be in Ravenclaw. If you are needed for comic relief, you will
be in Hufflepuff. If you are evil, you will be in Slytherin. Obviously."
rich, entitled albino named Draco Malfoy spies Harry Potter amongst
them and decides in this moment to ingratiate himself. Harry however,
denies the albino's handshake, for fear of losing some melanin himself.
Draco, disappointed, vows in that moment to do whatever it takes to
bring down the great Harry Potter, even if that means using his vast
family fortune, which he would've spent anyway.
entering the Great Hall, the first years are ushered to the front of
the room, where Dumbledore stands to give more exposition.
There's no order to McGonagall's scroll, so they start with Hermione, then Draco, then some B named Susan Bones.
sorting is pre-empted of our attentions by Harry, who has spied at the
Faculty table Severus Snape, a man, who like his name, has a severe
look: pale, prominent nose, thin and sharp, long, jet black hair, and a
cold stare. He also looks right at Harry, as if to say, "Don't you
fucking look at me."
Ron gets sent to Gryffindor with the other gingers of his kin.
name is called and the Great Hall, like the Leaky Cauldron before it,
goes silent. No one is quite sure what to expect, like maybe the Sorting
Hat will be set ablaze, maybe Harry will levitate to the stool at the
front of the hall, maybe Voldemort will choose right at this moment to
exact his revenge.
Nothing happens. Gryffindor!
There is of course some negotiation between Harry and the Hat, but that's not important for three books.
goes to the table of red and gold, where he meets Percy, one of Ron's
older brothers (he's the uptight, rule-loving one), Seamus Finnigan, a
fiery Irish boy who listens to his mother implicitly, and Nearly
Headless Nick, a ghost who never appears again.
dinner, the Gryffindors head to their dorm room in Gryffindor tower,
the second highest tower of Hogwarts. The fat lady asks for a password,
and she's rather calm and demure, later being played by a panicky,
hysterical fat lady later on with no explanation to the change.
reflects on how much has life has changed, as he sits in the window,
with his owl. He sighs. The world is full of possibilities.
FIRST DAY OF CLASSES
transfiguration, Harry and Ron are late, but they think they beat
Professor McGonagall to the room, because there's just a cat at the
desk. But we know better! Sure enough the cat becomes McGonagall, and
potions, Harry just can't catch a break from Snape, who decides he's
going to be Harry's biggest bully out of anyone. "Clearly, fame isn't
everything is it, Mr. Potter?" Sod off, Severus. He didn't ask to be
Somebody tried to break into the Vault that Hagrid took the you-know-what out of.
I mean, it shouldn't matter to these kids that it got broken into, because they don't know what it is, so they pay it no mind.
flying practice, everyone is learning a skill that is already obsolete
because we learn later that there's such a thing as apparating.
are shown once again how Harry is a natural, because he takes Madam
Hooch's direction quite well and is the only one who manages to get a
broom to obey them.
Longbottom though, the true and eternal Hufflepuff of the wizarding
world, the only child who actually decided that of the three animals to
accompany them, the toad was the best idea, is actually the first to
fly, but he really involves no skill in the practice, as is evidenced by
another fit of heroism, Harry rescues Neville's Remembrall from Draco,
and we know it's heroic, because none of us gave a shit about what the
hell that thing was.
been caught flying by Professor McGonagall, Harry initially thinks he's
in trouble, but instead gets escorted to Oliver Wood, who can
apparently be called out of class for anything under the sun.
Wood is the captain of the Quidditch team. Potter seems to be fit to be
a Seeker, even though McGonagall saw nothing to evidence that, only we
hearing the good news, we see the beginnings of Ron's inferiority
complex, while we also meet the Weasley twins, Fred and George, who are
also on the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Surprisingly few jokes ensue over
mixing the twins up.
Heading home from classes for the day, our trio find themselves on one of the many shifting staircases.
no one is allowed where they end up, why is the staircase's enchantment
not modified to exclude ending there, one wonders. But I digress.
knowing everything, knows where they are, and knows they are not
supposed to be there. The boys have not quite warmed to her constant
presence yet, but at least she's not one of those characters who knows
things and doesn't explain anything to those around them (lookin' at
The most terrifying figure in all of Potterdom appears, Mrs. Norris the watchcat.
group takes off running across the forbidden floor that the staircase
dropped them off on and gave them no freedom in the matter.
They hide behind a door that was locked, but Hermione unlocks it.
In a sort of rock and a hard place situation, they have worse troubles than a cat: a dog. A three-headed dog to be precise.
They high-tail it out of there as well, and decide to tell no one of anything.
The next day, Oliver brings Harry out onto the Quidditch field to show him his trunk full of exposition.
learns about the Quaffle, the worst named ball in history of balls; the
Bludgers, sociopathic obstacle balls; and the Golden Snitch, the
game-breaking winged ball that could've been called the Golden Plot
Device, to give something special for Harry to do to show how special he
In charms, everyone learns from the diminuitive Professor Flitwick a levitation charm that everyone finds absolutely impossible.
Hermione can't resist being a know-it-all and it finally has driven Ron insane.
He HAS to speak his mind, and he has to tell everyone what a nightmare she is.
AND THERE'S A TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Oh yeah, and Hermione's in there.
God damn it, Hermione.
But wait, she takes the blame for it, even though it was the boys who defeated the troll!? (Completely by accident!?)
Harry is convinced that Snape is evil, because by way of profiling, he looks evil.
is convinced that Snape unleashed the troll as a diversion to get
whatever is hiding in the room guarded by Fluffy (that's the
three-headed dog, who seems to only want to sleep).
The Quidditch game happens, that's cool.
It exists to prove that Gryffindor and Slytherin have a huge rivalry, and that Slytherin is willing to play dirty.
Oh, and also to show that Snape is still up to his evil ways.
I mean, everyone SAW him chanting something that caused Harry's broom to go crazy! It's irrefutable evidence!
the following scene, Hagrid goes from tight-lipped though awkward, to
downright bean-spilling because it's convenient for the plot.
Harry receives an Invisibility Cloak, because he's rich and powerful and famous and cool.
Ron gets a sweater. Because he's poor.
There are now several scenes of severe expoosition:
Explaining the Restricted Section of the library.
and Snape's tense relationship. (Snape seems to think Quirrell is up to
something, but Snape seems to be the one doing questionable deeds).
Dumbledore explains the Mirror of Erised, how it shows us exactly what we desire.
Then we learn who Nicholas Flamel is and his association with the Sorcerer's Stone.
Hermione deduces that it must be what is being protected by Fluffy.
almost forgot about the scene where there's a dragon hatched from an
egg but it has nothing to do with anything so you might as well forget
about it too.
...Which takes place in the forbidden woods, if Hagrid is in charge of detention, which doesn't make sense why he would be.
detention is where you should see all the important, traumatic
things...like a dead unicorn. We muggles have never even seen a live
one, and now these kids are getting to see a dead one. Unbelievable.
actually like someone to explain to me if that's Voldemort drinking
unicorn blood. Did he separate from Quirrell, or is that Quirrell also
under the hood?
the elements are now in place, except for how to keep Fluffy sleeping,
and Hagrid makes short work of that, blabbing to the kids exactly how to
do it, quickly enabling our trio of upstarts to start their final
trio make their way into the forbidden hallway and unlock the forbidden
door. They find the forbidden trapdoor being guarded by the forbidden
A forbidden harp is already there, lulling it to sleep.
The trio move its paw to descend
into the trap door which proves to be quite dangerous because the harp
only has a limited time enchantment on it, funnily enough.
the three make it into the lower chamber, where they are immediately
ensnared by a giant plant that is growing without water or sunlight.
Snare," Hermione proclaims. And Ron and Harry are at last grateful for
the girl's smarts, because they could've been killed by a plant, and
that's such a dumbass way to go.
They relax and slide through, much like a boy convincing his date on prom.
The next is a room full of "birds", symbolizing freedom. But they are keys, symbolizing entrapment.
Harry, using his Seeker skills, identifies and grabs the correct key while on broomstick.
next room is a chess game, and we realize it's Ron's only strong
skillset. He turns out to be a master strategist, and this is the only
time in all of seven books he gets to showcase it.
The rest of the time he whines or runs. Or both.
sacrifices himself to win the Chess game, and allow Harry to pass into
the next room. Once again, this is the only time in seven books Ron
shows any sort of fortitude and will to do such a thing.
Guys, I hate Ron.
In the final room, Harry confronts Quirrell!
What a TWIST!
WAS QUIRRELL ALL ALONG! GUYS, YOU WERE FOOLED! SNAPE WAS A MISDIRECT! A
MISDIRECT! QUIRRELL WAS ACTING WEIRD BECAUSE HE HAS THE FACE OF THE
DARK LORD ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD! HOLY SHIT! WHAT'S UP WITH THAT.
The Mirror of Erised recognizes Harry's good intentions and secrets him the Sorcercer's Stone.
Voldemort tells Quirrell the boy must have it.
attempts to entrap the boy, but Harry, through the higher power of love
or some shit, burns Quirrell and Voldemort, proving that two heads is
not better than one.
The burning kills Quirrell, and turns Voldemort into a cloud.
A cloud cannot kill the Boy Who Lived.
Harry passes out from shock. Or tiredness.
Harry awakes in a grand hospital wing, and to the wise, aged face of Dumbledore.
shows concern for his friends, and Dumbledore fills in some of the
blanks about just what the hell happened down in the lower chambers.
Spoiler alert: It was love. I told you already.
final scenes are the House Cup presentation, and through some arbitrary
awarding of points by Dumbledore, Gryffindor overtakes the Slytherin
lead and wins the House Cup.
Thank goodness for friendship, right Gryffindor?
Oh, and Harry has to go back with his Aunt and Uncle for the summer.
Because love, and all that.
ROLL THOSE CREDITS
Disclaimer: I solemnly swear that I do not own these characters or the world they are portrayed in, because I am up to no good.