Here's the thing. The Summer Olympics, they're fucking cool. Because here's the main difference: every Summer Olympic sport, are just sports. You can do them anywhere. You could be living in the most isolated, third world country that has only winter year-round, with darkness covering the land 23 hours of the day, and you could still make it on to an Olympic team from that country at the Summer games with something like Weightlifting or Archery. The Winter Games (with the exception of a couple inexplicable "sports") are entirely based around the necessity of winter. Also, the really interesting sports to watch (not good, just interesting to watch) take place inside! You can make ice rinks that can hold several of the sports indoors, which means you can have them during the summer! And also, also, just to make it all seem worthwhile, the Winter Games features a bloated 15 events, when really you could narrow it to 7.
We're gonna talk about the quality and worth of all of them as we rank, from worst to best:
The 15 Olympic Events of the Winter Games
Also, side note before we begin:
Russia, stop being a dick.
15.) Cross-Country Skiing
|Literally, the coolest this sport will ever look.|
Who Invented It: Some fuck who thought, "You know what'd be cool? If that cool event, the Marathon, could happen slowly.
Why Watch It: I mean, really, no one watches the entire Marathon either, this is watching a race with no sense of drama. So no, there's no reason.
|The firing squad is skiing into position now. Say your prayers, Mr. Bond.|
Who Invented It: Obviously, a redneck who saw snow for the first time and thought, "This makes me want to shoot things."
How to Improve It: Live targets, of course. Bears. And you're skiing and shooting at the same time. Because you're escaping.
13.) Short Track Speed Skating
|They're actually just stuck there.|
12.) Speed Skating
|Everyone complains that when this is done by cars, it looks boring. But these guys won't explode.|
11.) Alpine Skiing
|Stupid, stupid, sexy, sexy Flanders. Flanders.|
10.) Nordic Combined
|I love cool skiing combined with awful skiing.|
|I mean, the main reason to watch are all the stylin' pants.|
How It Was Invented: It's like someone wanted to play Bocce but in the dead of winter. When balls. Can't. Roll? If you played it with balls, it would just be bowling, and it would no longer need a curling team.
You'd just have Winter Bowling! Ice Pins! Snowling Balls! Ice Obstacles! ...Icestacles!
8.) Ski Jump
|Most important bit of information is telling me where a ramp stops.|
|Most impressive is how they're doing this without helmets.|
...What were we talking about?
6.) Freestyle Skiing
|The traditional freestyle salute: x-ing your skis.|
Is There a Better Name: Ski Flips. Shred Skiing. Ski Ski Revolution.
|Don't make me turn this tub around!|
Most Sexiest Thing About the Sport: I mean, it's why we all ride the Matterhorn Bobsleds at Disneyland, right? In eighth grade, it was the closest we'd get to a lap dance for a bit.
|Caught mid-luge, everyone just looks panicked.|
How To Make It Better: Again, just save us some time and make Luge and Skeleton a single sport. They're the same, except the latter is unbelievably dangerous, and the former is something we all basically did in kindergarten at recess.
|This squirrel has no idea he's about to die.|
The Only Way This Could Be Better: If every track was like a Sonic the Hedgehog track, and the skeletoner has to collect rings.
2.) Figure Skating
|Pretty sure she's dead, and he's just dragging her across the ice.|
When It Stopped Being Cool: Same as Gymnastics for the Summer Games, in the late 90s, when all the scoring changed, and all the routines started to look the same because no one was cool or exciting or innovative anymore, they were all just really good at being told exactly what to put in to their routines.
|Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack. Duck.|
Reasons Not to Watch: I mean, most of the time, I literally cannot see the puck on television. The whole game looks like they're playing Smear the Queer. (Are we still allowed to say that?) (Slalom?)