Thursday, January 30, 2014

Here's Your Damn Horoscope for the Rest of Your Life.

What's your sign?
Because we all know how incredibly important it is to our lives. There's no possible way that it's us trying to derive meaning from a universe of unrelated bodies veiled in the hope that we are a part of something more than what we are.
I don't equate astrology with the metaphysical belief in a deity. I believe we do have an inherent need as humans to find something bigger than ourselves, to give our lives meaning, to provide us comfort. I find no such comfort in astrological signs, nor do I know anyone who does. I find that it is people bringing significance to serendipity, order to chaos, and solace in symbols.

We've more or less randomly assigned attributes to these symbols, these ancient constellations we traced out of the sky, and similar to a modern-day psychic, uses ambiguities and vagueries to make it apply to anyone that reads it.
Every horoscope of every Zodiac sign works for my life, so it should work for yours. So here's the last Horoscope page you ever have to look at. 

ARIES - March 21st - April 20th

"The Super Goat"
Aries are strong and confident except when they are not. They tend to take to tasks that they want to accomplish and work them until they are accomplished unless they forget to which they may because a common trait among all Aries is that they have memories.
Every day is an opportunity for an Aries because they are so filled with the adjective that they most believe they are filled with. They inspire confidence in people unless people are given a reason to mistrust them.
If well-rested, an Aries is energetic and can take on anyone unless they're not well-rested in which case they probably won't win.
Don't wait around for an Aries because they won't wait for you, because they don't like people being late, and Aries are the only people who hate this. 

Taurus April 21st - May 21st

"The Bull Guy"
Taurus loves the game but also loves the player, but mostly the game and usually the prize for the game. Everything is a game to them because they know not to take life too seriously unless they have to, in which case it's a game, but it's a game for keeps. And they'll keep, unless someone else wants it and Taurus decides to be nice and they usually are because Taurus are deceptively nice except when they're not.
While there are some negatives associated with Taurus, there are also some positives.
Taurus take pride in their work because they are hard workers and they usually do a good job so they should take pride and they do, unless they have to appear humble in which case they are very good at it until they're not.

Gemini - May 22nd - June 21st

"Wonder Twin Powers: Fabulous!"
Gemini are almost like split personalities, because depending on any number of things like stress or health or mood, they can be like completely different people. Even time of day! It's as if they don't have one static personality that you can always depend on because they're human and things affect them.
Gemini like to talk about things they like to talk about and less about things they don't like to talk about, but they may offer their opinion on it either way, or they may not.
Gemini may be hard to deal with, unless you know how, or you just don't care.

Cancer - June 22nd - July 22nd

"Blurry Crab Grabbing Moon"
Cancers have families, and are related to them.
They tend to show their emotions easily unless they don't want to, in which case they can be seen as "crabby." Like Taurus, they have negative traits, but also good ones.
Cancers love to tell stories, especially to friends, but may also use them for persuasion, because they're very good at persuasion because of how subtle they are. If they want to be less subtle, they only need to be more obvious.
At first, a Cancer may be in a bad mood, but if you cheer them up, they will usually be happier.
Cancer is the most awkward Zodiac sign to say.

Leo - July 23rd - August 22nd

Leos, like their namesake cats, like the sun a lot, but aren't afraid to go out at night either. They are charming and can be the center of attention when given the opportunity. If they are not given the opportunity, that is okay with them too, because they also just like being with friends, or by themselves too.
Leos may be last to leave the party! Unless it's a bad party, in which case Leos won't stand for it.
Leos really love life. They believe in living it.
They really love all the things they love and only kind of like some things while there may be one or two things they don't like at all.

Virgo - August 23rd - September 23rd

"Lonely Virgin"
Virgo are very observant and have a very good attention to detail which makes them very good at detail-oriented tasks. They don't have a problem with the big picture, they just have a specific strength that's not necessarily tied to celestial activity.
They are good at doing research and being smart, if only because they don't want to look dumb, unless of course they are dumb, in which case they are still a Virgo.
If they don't quite fit in, they won't.
Virgos are realistic, unless it's about dreams, in which case they can imagine unrealistic things like dragons and double ball pits.

Libra - September 24th - October 23rd

"Straight Up Balance"
Libra have wants and needs and likes and dislikes. They are passionate and subdued. They are full of life and like to relax. They can be clean and also messy. They are confident and full of self-doubt. They may be very decisive in one matter but will not be in another, it just depends on how much Mercury is in the seventh house or whatever bullshit.

Scorpio - October 24th - November 22nd

"The Steampunk Scorpion"
Scorpio like facts, and they like when facts are true. They try to be as accurate as they can be and avoid guessing so they don't play guessing games unless it's with friends in which case they may be good at board games but sometimes they're not.
Scorpio believe in themselves and set goals that they want to achieve. They can occasionally lose sight of those goals or may second guess themselves but they are always right whatever they choose, unless they're not.
Scorpio suffer fools lightly and beware of them getting mad because Scorpio get mad until they're done.

Sagittarius - November 23rd - December 21st

"The Horse Man" (Not In a Good Way)
Sagittarius like when people agree with them and dislike people disagreeing with them, but they don't mind too much because people are entitled to their own opinions and Sagittarius usually realize it's not all about them. There are some selfish ones, but they're pretty rare.
Sagittarius don't like to be limited. They don't like to be pigeonholed and are the only Zodiac signs that don't enjoy being part of the Zodiac, summed up in a few short paragraphs based on absolutely nothing. Sagittarius can become impatient if they're made to wait for an unreasonable amount of time.
Some people may think they're Sagittarius and they're probably right, but if they're not, then it doesn't matter anyway because all of these sound the same.

Capricorn - December 22nd - January 20th

"The Metal Mermaid Also Goat"
Capricorn are not always the most successful but they are usually not the least unsuccessful either. Capricorn are totally original in the idea that they think life is one big continuous thing. They want to have what is most meaningful in life and whatever that is to a Capricorn, they are right.
Capricorn know how to play it safe until they can best risk it all in a secure way. They are able to see the details in the big picture without sacrificing the big parts of the small pictures.
Capricorn may be stubborn, but it's only because they know what they want, and everyone else is being unreasonable because they have adjectives attributed to them too.
Capricorn love philosophy, unless they hate it. (Which they might.)

Aquarius - January 21st - February 19th

"The Weeping Water Angel"
Aquarius are unique and one-of-a-kind, except of course for the fact that all Aquarius, born under the same star sign that may or may not exist in the sky (and was disputed for a bit because fuck calendars which we invented anyway) have similar personalities that are just inescapable and allow us to judge people without getting to know them in all their idiosyncrasies.
Aquarius are kind, thoughtful, wise people, except when they are rude, thoughtless, and irrational, which may happen.
Aquarius can be charming and natural leaders, except when they are quieter and natural followers. It takes all kinds of people, something the Zodiac seems to ignore, because they're designed only to make us feel good about ourselves and relate to anything positive while avoiding anything negative.
Aquarius do a lot of things because of all their interests and also do a couple things really well, listing them as skills, learned or otherwise.
Aquarius love people, especially people they know, and even strangers.

Pisces - February 20th - March 20th

"The Paisley Pike"
Pisces is the most like a fish of all the signs. And like a fish, they may have a great tendency to the water, unless they do not like it, in which case they may only drink it or live near it, or whatever they want. They do not have to like water.
They may be indecisive at times, but that's only because they are deciding other decisions. So they are not indecisive most of the time, except sometimes it appears that way, definitely.
Pisces have good intentions in all they do, even if the results are bad, because Pisces aren't perfect. Still, it's good to give them the benefit of the doubt, because they will most likely give you the benefit of the doubt unless you don't deserve it.
Pisces are good judges of character. Unless they aren't, in which case they are terrible judges of character. Sometimes, they can't read people at all.
Pisces are endearing unless you forget who they are.