Friday, January 4, 2013

Top 10 Adjectives Based on Names / 10 I Just Made Up

Happy New Year! Congrats, everyone, on surviving another apocalypse!

Top 10 Adjectives Based on People's Names, Inadvertently Becoming Cooler Than the Name Itself

10. Augustinian
9. Jacobean
8. Benedictine
7. Napoleonic
6. Marxist
5. Darwinian 
4. Rubenesque
3. Dickensian
2. Arthurian
1. Draconian

Top 10 Adjectives Based on People's Names That I Just Made Up, Plus Their Definitions

10. Morissettesque - A situation that is set up to be ironic, but ultimately is just unfortunate.

9. Gervaisian - A sly form of comedy wherein the audience (usually celebrities) is being made fun of but they don't realize it and everyone in the real world is made awkward and uncomfortable while calling it 'satrical', and the people in the comedy world think it's goddamn brilliant.

8. Kanyesque - A rant of varying length that mirrors the incoherency of a mental patient and a stroke victim mixed with the social inappropriateness of a sociopath, all the while retaining the conviction that what you are saying is correct and everyone believes the same.

7. Underwooded - Descriptive of an arguably successful contestant from a competition-style reality TV show, whose success makes you forget those questionable origins.

6. Potterean - Used to describe the now-prevalent trend of splitting up a final movie adaptation into two parts under the pretense that creators want to "capture everything accurately from the book" when really it's simply about "money." (Deathly Hallows Parts 1 & 2, Breaking Dawn Parts 1 & 2, and now the most egregious of them: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, The Desolation of Smaug, and There And Back Again.)

5. Pixaresque - Anything brightly colored, warmly voiced, or touchingly funny that you remember forever, but hours to years later you realize carries horrific implications.

4. SteveJobian - A momentary feeling where you are excited about something only to realize it's the same shit you've seen already.

3. Adelian / TaylorSwiftian - Two dichotomous ways of handling a break-up. 

2. Degrassian - A particularly melodramatic moment, most often characterized by running into a room, slamming the door, and then collapsing fraught with emotion against the door.

1. Fantasian - Descriptive of a moment in the morning where you wake up and feel so much potential and so powerful you could make a cadre of brooms dance.