Sunday, December 8, 2013

The L Train Drinking Game, or Transportation Inebriation

Following the previous night's Justin Guarini debacle, I had expected last night's train ride home from NCT to be more subdued, less eventful, I wanted to catch a quick nap on my long train ride home. At 1:35, I walked down to the L platform at 14th and 8th, walked to the second to last cart which was quite empty, save for two people who were already napping too. Good cart, I thought. I settled in on an end seat, got comfortable, and turned on my music. The train was to depart in 4 minutes.


But at 1 minute to go, it was as if Pandora's Box of Subway Horrors was released into our cart.
First, an overly interactive, elderly gentlemen talking to himself. Only enough for us to open our eyes momentarily before returning to our own worlds.
Then a couple got on, they didn't look like they had been drinking, the guy looked sleepy, then I realized he looked like he'd drunk too much. As more people were getting on our car, he began to spit...and then came the familiar sound of vomit hitting the floor. A space formed around him immediately, with people migrating to the ends of the car.
Then the crazy, drunk, homeless guy got on. And he decided to sit right in front of the couple, regardless of the puddle of vomit he was standing in. "What's wrong with him!? What's wrong with him!?" he decided to scream repeatedly.
Then the guy with the harmonica got on. And he was also drunk. Because in between harmonica verses he decided to complain about the state of cleanliness of New York City. He kept pointing at the vomit puddle also at his feet.

I moved to a different car, along with several other people absolutely bewildered at how everything could have changed in just a minute's span. But it did open up the idea of a drinking game...


Take 1 Shot for each of these unless otherwise noted.
These are based on just stuff that I've managed to witness, of course. New York's subway is a forest of numerous possibilities.

- A homeless person is on the train when you board.
         - Take two shots: A homeless person boards the train after you board the train.
- The homeless person sitting in the corner of the car wakes up as the train pulls into the station and everyone boards.
         - Take 2: The homeless person stays asleep. He's settled in for the night. That trash bag is at       optimum temperatures.
- The homeless person is awake and is talking to himself.
         - Take an additional shot if he is talking to himself in such a way that it looks like he's yelling at someone else...who isn't there.
- Take 3 shots if: The homeless person does something completely unexpected, such as exposes himself, yells at an actual person (most likely with racial epithets), or pulls out a lighter for some reason. Take a bonus shot if he starts ballroom dancing.
- If you're sitting in the "two-seater" at the end of the car, and a homeless person boards the train and yells at you to move because that's "their spot," take a shot each for you and the person you're with.

- "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I promise not to take up too much of your time..."
- "...it's my turn to get money for food tonight..."
- "...I do not have the opportunity to go and look for a job without putting my family in a worse situation..."
- Take an additional shot for if they have a dog.
- Take an additional shot for if they are in a wheelchair.

- Someone boards the train to leave a flyer or small piece of paper with each person.
          - 2 shots for: "I'm deaf."
          - 2 shots for them leaving it directly in someone's lap.
          - 2 shots for someone running after them, yelling to get their attention, to make a donation.

- Someone boards the train selling candy.
- 2 Shots: Someone boards the train selling magazines.
- 4 Shots: Someone boards the train selling phones.

- Someone boards the train yelling about Jesus.
          - 2 shots for the person sitting down and talking to someone one-on-one about Jesus.
- Someone boards the train yelling about the environment.
          - 2 shots if someone yells back, "Fuck the environment."

- Someone boards the train who is going to throw up.
- They throw up on the train.
- They throw up on the tracks at each station the train stops at.
- That person is with friends who are making fun of him.
          - 2 shots for friends who are apologizing for him.
- His friends help him off.
          - His friends make him walk it off.
- The person is a girl and is with friends.
          - 2 shots for the person being a girl and is with a guy.
          - 3 shots if you can discern that this is their first date.
- The person falls over while throwing up.
- The people who initially experience the incident will immediately clear the area. But take a shot for each person who crosses through or past it, stopping momentarily to understand why no one is sitting near this person.

- Someone boards the train and does some pull-ups on the upper handrails.
- Someone boards the train and does some leg exercises while sitting.
- Someone with headphones on gets way too into the song they're listening to.
- Someone with headphones does a few casual exercises to the song they're listening to while using the vertical pole.
- Someone turns on music on their phone or whatever and doesn't have headphones. They sit back and listen to it and enjoy it as if they were on headphones, though.

- Someone is sleeping on the bench.
- Someone is sleeping UNDER the bench.

- Food on the floor.
- Perfectly good food is abandoned on the floor.
- Pizza slice on the floor.
            - 2 shots for a whole pizza.

- Person with a musical instrument.
           - 1 shot for harmonica.
           - 1 shot for guitar.
           - 1 shot for any kind of percussion instrument.
           - 2 shots for keyboard
           - 2 shots for drumset
           - 2 shots for saxophone
           - 3 shots for brass or woodwind instrument.
           - 3 shots for melodica, bagpipes, or an instrument that I don't know the name of, but it's a keyboard with a wind apparatus attached to it.

- And of course, just fuckin' finish a bottle if you ever hear the phrase...
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.... IT'S SHOWTIME!!!!!"